one woman’s struggle

bladder infections are a bitch!

Last night I was feeling very vulnerable.  Maybe vulnerable isn’t the right word.  I was feeling very weak, and like the enemy was going to prey on my weaknesses of the mind and heart to try to get me down. . . and it worked for a little while.  It was a rough night, and all I did was go to a baby shower.

This morning, I awoke from a really wierd dream, and (since he asked) I was telling him about it when he cut me off with, “Please stop.  I get it.  It was really wierd.”  Anyway, of course, I am completely hurt and crushed that he won’t listen to the rest of the story, which is only one more sentence, but he won’t hear of it.  I take it personally, because obviously he’s just not that interested in what’s really going on inside of me.  He doesn’t want to know who I am on the deepest level.  Besides, it’s ugly, and a huge mess, and dangerous in there.  I mean, he can love me in spite of all that, but he doesn’t need, or want to know, all the details.

Of course, this all crushes me, because of my desire to know and be deeply known.  And, of course, I am pretty sure that almost all of that is only in my head, and not really any of it is meant by him, but that’s how I felt this morning.  Even if he said it wasn’t necessarily all true, I would have a hard time believing him.  I would think, “He thinks it’s not true, but that’s because he hasn’t sat down and analyzed what’s really going on behind those actions and thoughts of his.  If he did, he would realize that there’s at least some of it that is true.”  I don’t know what I suppose that would be, but again, this is what goes on in my head.

Which all leads me to ask the question, what’s really going on in my head, that I am freaking out this much over him asking me to stop telling him something that was really freaking him out?  What’s the root issue here?  Is it tha I don’t feel loved?  I don’t think so, because I even think that he loves me inspite of all this mess.  So, back to my core fears - underneath it all, I really am truly unlovable.  Yeah, that hits a little close to home.  And yes, I’m aware that I just contradicted myself, but I didn’t really if you look close enough.  I think what’s playing on that core fear is I feel like no one wants to really be intimate.  I’m talking about between friends, I guess - the need to be known.

I know the Lord knows me and loves me in spite of my fallen, depraved self.  And I know that I have been longing, more and more, to know the Lord more deeply.  Is this desire/longing spilling over into my relationship with my husband?  Is this a good thing?  Are my expectations in the wrong place?  Is this normal?  Am I just emotional?  Or is it that these things only really show themselves when I fall apart?

Sounds like a good place to start talking to a therapist!

I’ve got no idea when these things were written, but I know it’s been a long time, maybe a year or more.  I found a couple of papers folded together, so I believe they were from the same night.  The house church group really ministered to me that night if I remember correctly.  Or, I guess I should say God ministered to me.

On one paper I wrote:

And so now I wonder how many of my depression “episodes” are happening out of habit - or, for that matter - continuing out of habit.  Do I know what to do to stop them, or prevent/correct them, or do instead of them.  That’s a pretty big problem - not knowing what ese to think about instead of the habitual self-depricating thoughts.        Hmmm….. so what do I do now?

On another sheet of paper was a poem written by another in the group that she got while we were worshipping the Lord:

Work through the moments, move through the pains

Turn to Me and present the stains

Let Me see your wounds, let them bleed on Me

For I long to heal, I long to see

Walk straight to me through the blazing fire

I know it hurts, I know you tire.

But it takes some work to seek Me out

But I’m waiting . . .

Yes, the Lord left it hanging like that.  It is supposed to be unresolved there at the end.  I think, even now, that is because he’s not finished writing this poem yet.  And I’m okay with that.  That’s not to say that I don’t long for the resolution, but the Lord has been working on me having peace & patience.

I want to back down off the Sam-e even more, just to see if I can, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea.  School is about to start, which is stressful enough.  I will be teaching a new grade, with new curriculum, etc.  I will also have 11 new families to meet and figure out how they work and have them figure out how I work.  There will be lots of questions and conversations that need to happen.  Whenever there is a question, I always get defensive, as if they are attacking the way I do something and they know there’s a better way for it to be done.  I’ve found through the years that this is almost never the case.  The reason they are asking the question is because they want to know the answer.  They aren’t trying to be manipulative.  Sometimes they do have an idea, and it is better than the way I’m doing it.  But again, they aren’t trying to manipulate me to show how much better than me they are, making me feel incompetent in the process.  This is something that I am constantly trying to work on with myself - not everyone is trying to manipulate me.  I’ll face this issue whether I’m feeling good or not.  The only difference is how I handle it, or rather that I handle it.  I want to be able to handle it well.

I guess I could always try it.  If it doesn’t work, and I go into another crash, I can bump the Sam-e back up.  I might have to for the winter anyway.  I’ve tried to take tyrosine, which is an amino acid that helps with changing some of those neurotransmitters into and out of whatever they are supposed to be to work at optimal levels.  In other words, I could have enough seratonin or dopamine or whatever in my system, but if it’s not being processed correctly, it doesn’t matter.  I have been very in consistent with the tyrosine.  If I can work on the consistency, then perhaps I can back off the Sam-e.

Yes, I know, technically it’s the middle of the summer, but I suddenly felt like it was basically over and I didn’t get the break or down time I was hoping for.

So, I told the mother of the 2 boys I have nannied this summer that I didn’t want to exasperate her children any further, and that I would help her out if I needed to, but that I really couldn’t do any more.

Maybe now I will have some time to do some of those things that I had been wanting to do all summer . . . like -

- go spend some time with the children and mothers in the house church group that I am committed to for more than just a summer.

- organize all my old school stuff.

- get familiar with the new curriculum and have whole days to just pore over the texts and think of a really great lesson.

- work on my quilt.

- watch the kids here at the house so their mom can get some things checked off her list (or have time by herself)  while I invest in them.

- read some more books for pleasure.

Perhaps the fun dates I’ve been planning with my hubby will help as well!

This is from the website

http://www.9types.com/homepage.actual.html

I have put my thoughts in italics.

The Helper (the Two)

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people’s needs.

How to Get Along with Me

• Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.

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• Share fun times with me.
• Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
• Let me know that I am important and special to you.
• Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships
• Reassure me that I am intersting to you.
• Reassure me often that you love me.
• Tell me I’m attractive and that you’re glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Two

• being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
• knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
• being generous, caring, and warm
• being sensitive to and perceptive about others’ feelings
• being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor (I’m working on this one)
  

What’s Hard About Being a Two

• not being able to say no
• having low self-esteem
• feeling drained from overdoing for others
• not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
• criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
• being upset that others don’t tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
• working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Twos as Children Often

• are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
• try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
• are outwardly compliant
• are popular or try to be popular with other children
• act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention (I don’t think I wanted much attention, but I guess you’d have to ask my parents)
  
• are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos) (obviously I’m the introverted type)
  

Twos as Parents (we’ll see how this fleshes out one day)

• are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren’t)
• are often playful with their children (refer to previous post to see how this one is a work in progress)
  
• wonder: “Am I doing it right?” “Am I giving enough?” “Have I caused irreparable damage?” (I already do this as a teacher)
  
• can become fiercely protective (there’s a part of me that just can’t see this in me, but there’s another part that is totally okay with this)
  

In my pursuit of having fun, I have noticed that I can sap others fun when I’m not having fun, or don’t think they should be having fun.  In my serious nature, I get upset when others don’t take things as serious as I take them.

This has been showing up in how I deal with children.  Yes, I have heard myself many a time say, “kids will be kids.”  But, aren’t they just having fun?  The obvious answer in all the situations that I look back upon is, “Yes!”  What’s my problem with kids just having a good time, having fun?  Is it that I’m not?  Is it that I’ve forgotten, or perhaps didn’t even really know how to have fun (at least not in the way they are having fun)?  I don’t know how often I just had fun.  When I think back, I was often reading a book, or playing a game by myself, and while those things are enjoyable, and sometimes fun, I think they were more of a way of escape for me than being about “having fun.”

All that to say, I am afraid I’ve been too hard on myself and the kids that I have been in charge of, or even just been around, whether babysitting or at house church.  I have been praying for months that God would work on my heart towards the kids and families that I am around on a consistent basis.  And I’ll even admit that this was after I had been praying that God would change them for a while before that.  I’m so thankful that somebody taught me along the way that prayer changes us, not necessarily the person or situation that we are praying about.  It definitely helped me to change my perspective.

I don’t believe I’ve learned the lesson that God is teaching yet.  I believe I’ve finally discovered the objective.  Now comes the teaching/learning and application/practice.  God is a good teacher, better than I will ever be, and he teaches with a lot of grace.  Thank you, Lord for grace!!!

I know there are people out there that would say that you should never “try” to have fun. You should just do it. And if you are having to try, you obviously are doing the wrong thing.

Well, I don’t care what people say (at least in this situation). I have been trying really hard the last couple of weeks to just have some fun, and I am definitely having to make myself.

I made myself go outside with our roommate’s son, and I swung on the swing and pretended that sticks were drum sticks and just about everything was a drum. I played air hockey and fooseball (sp?) with my husband on our weekend away for our fourth anniversary. I had a bunch of people over for my birthday and all we did was sit around, eat, talk, and laugh. Now that’s FUN! I’ve also had dinner and casually walked around a mall with a friend.

My future plans for having fun include having accepted a position as a nanny for a 4 yr old boy and a 6 yr old boy who both have tons of energy and love to play outside. I am also thinking of the black-light putt-putt course inside a local mall, or some of the outside courses (once the sun starts going down). I’m trying to work myself up to Malibu Grand Prix. This place has all of the above and more.

I have to say, though, I think my favorite thing to do is spend time with people and laugh! But it might be that this is my favorite thing so far, and that I will have just as much fun, if not more, with something else, or at least doing something else with these people. We shall see.

P.S. I have also been having a ton of fun reading book after book after book!!!

I am down to 600 mg. And I think I’m doing pretty well. No down moments, no unclear thinking moments, no going psycho on my husband. So far, so good. I’m positive it has mostly to do with the Lord, and some to do with the weather/season, the fact that I don’t have nightmares from the school year, and for the summer I’m going to begin to nanny for 2 little boys 2 and a half days a week, which means I will still have time to work on school stuff, or read or whatever, during the week days while the man is bringing home the bacon. All of these other things are because of the Lord, so really the reason I’m doing well is all the Lord. Praise Him!

I heard somebody say that you shouldn’t take Sam-e for very long. You are supposed to just take it until you replenish the amount you need in your body and your body starts making enough on it’s own. Well, maybe my body needed more than 2 years worth of Sam-e. I mean, I was on anti-depressants for just over 2 years, so I can see that. I can even see staying at 600 mg for this coming winter and going down to 400 the next summer or even going without it over the summer (depending, of course, on what’s going on in my life).

However, I’m not sure that I see a problem with taking Sam-e for the rest of my life. It’s a supplement, and by the definition of supplement, you are simply adding more of something that should already be there. People take multi-vitamins for their entire lives. They are supplementing some of those vitamins that they no longer get in their food, either because of eating habits or because our food no longer has the same nutritional value. Same difference to me at this point.

I had a student call me the week school was out to tell me about all of the different types of animals and shells he had seen on the beach that day.  Why would he call me with that information?  That is what we studied in school, especially the last couple of weeks.  He was so excited that he was seeing all those things that he had just studied in a book, he just had to call his teacher!  How awesome is that!  This is definitely what I was meant to do - to inspire awe in my students about the world that God created, and to inspire a love for learning and what they are learning and a sense of enjoyment.  God wants us to learn more about Him always.  Sometimes, the way we do that is through learning about his creation.

Thank you God for the opportunity to turn young hearts twoard your beauty, goodness, creativity, and glory!