My Struggle With Adoption, Havin my Own, and Zeal
As may be clear from my last two posts, adoption is a topic that has captured my thoughts over the last few months, even before God broke me regarding abortion. Please remember as you read this post, I don’t consider these words to be “binding” to anyone reading this, including potentially me. It’s just my struggle at this juncture.
We’ll just get right to it. I fundamentally struggle with whether having my own child is an act of selfishness when God [has broke/is breaking] my heart regarding HIS heart for neglected children and the unborn, and what part I could have in that. Or put another way – why would I bring my own child in to the world when there are millions already being aborted and unwanted that need parents just as badly as my own children would?
Perhaps selfishness isn’t the fairest word. Perhaps it would be better worded to say that I struggle with whether it’s God’s call on my life to have my own children rather than adopt… and ignoring that call would be selfishness.
There’s always danger in the zeal with this sort of thing. It’s happened innumerable number of times throughout history, believing something God told you so fiercely and deeply that you begin to think that it MUST apply to every other believer. I know both Heather and I have done that regarding another call on our lives, the call to missions, but that’s another story.
It’s funny how I feel I need to disclaim my words at the beginning of this post, before I’ve even said anything. I know some people read what I say above and immediately feel the need to go look for God’s command to Abraham about being fruitful and multiplying.
But the problem with fruit (in the literal sense) is that if there’s more of it than can be eaten (or if we’re talking about children, cared for), it rots. If the positive fruits of the command to be “fruitful and multiply” is the joy of children and family, the sinful results of the same command being twisted are abortion, neglect, and forced poverty… or summed up in one word, rot. At this point in my life, I feel that adoption is the primary way that God redeems the sinful results of the twisted of this particular command.
So at the end of day (which is coincidentally only 10 minutes from now) I’m still left with the question… what would God have me do? I guarantee Heather and I will be seeking his heart further about that question.
I assure you that you’ll find out the answer there as well, by whether we announce an adoption or a pregnancy in the future =).
I understand your feelings completely. I struggled (and still do) with the same thoughts given my heart’s leading to adoption. Choosing to build my family by adopting first in response to God’s call has been a great opportunity to share Christ and our calling to adoption with others. Choosing recently to have a biological child was a decision that we really wrestled with, but has surprisingly strengthened our desire for future adoptions. It has also given us personal experience to share with others that have fear surrounding adoption in comparison to the traditional route of having biological children.
I don’t think that your feelings of selfishness in response to having biological children is anything abnormal, but perhaps an early confirmation of the calling on your heart. The tricky part I found (and as evidenced by your disclaimer) is sharing that calling with others with the larger purpose of pointing to Christ without placing the calling (or guilt trip) on the listener.
I say just be faithful to the call by exploring the opportunities available and ask God for encounters to humbly share your heart.
That whole discussion about whether it is selfish to have biological children in light of the great need there are for homes for children already here…well, that is exactly, exactly, exactly what I have struggled with and struggled to communicate to others. Needless to say, I have botched the delivery several times and turned people off to my cause in the process and have since abandoned the effort to encourage others to consider adoption as well for fear of misrepresenting what is so near and dear to my heart. We have found that simply sharing our own story/our own hearts about adoption with whomever the Lord puts in our path who want to know more has really made all the difference that my zeal would prefer to shout from the rooftops to church today.
I have read a good book that you would appreciate about adoption and the church…check it out…it is a quick read… Fields of the Fatherless.
i just have to say that even hearing a discussion on this subject brings a smile to my face because i always believe that the first step in the right direction towards change and making a difference is talking about it aloud and sharing that conversation with many others! i believe God is moving in hearts.
i also know that there are many before our generation that have had the same heart – one obvious and “semi-famous” example is Mark Richt (UGA football coach)…you can read about his story and how his sunday school class started conversations that led to real action…many of them adopting children in need of parents.
i pray that we will all just be open to what His calling for us may be. if we listen, he is answering. that’s what i believe.
well, I came across your site through a mutual friend, and thought I would share my experience and thoughts on your struggle, because it is very close to my heart.
First, let me say that my wife and I adopted a little boy a few years ago now. It has been the greatest ride in our life thus far. Our decision for adoption was fairly easy. I can not have biological children, so we went with adoption. We briefly looked into some scientific/medical procedures that could accomplish a “biological” child for us, but it was never considered a serious option because of the same issues you raise…their are children that need to be loved in this world that do not have a home, and by God’s love, we have a home. Let’s share it.
And this brings me to what I want to share with you:
I believe we put way too much thought into it. Science has corrupted so much of our thoughts on the miracle of birth, that we act as if it is all in our hands. Between birth control and test tubes, we feel as if we are in complete control and our prayers will help us decide what God wants us to do. Really?! After you spend years manipulating the situation to prevent child birth, and then spend thousands of dollars on test tubes and eggs, you think God really takes you seriously when you say His Will be done?
And trust me when I say this…I do not mean to be rude on this subject. We did the birth control for the first years of our marriage. We were not “ready” for children. And then we spent 2 years trying to get pregnant and asking God why this was not happening. When we found out that I could not have children, I just laughed. (my wife did not. she cried. that’s a whole different subject). We thought we were so smart. We thought we were in control. We were such shmucks. But then, once we knew the situation, the prayers became simple. Adoption.
So my advice for you is this. If you really want to know what God wants for your family, stop intervening with science. pray. talk about it with each other. adopt. give birth. God will let you know what He wants for you if you step back and stop trying to control the situation.
I hope this helps. Either way, children will rock your world. Get ready to laugh and cry a LOT!