Fragged For Our Sins, its subsidiaries and affiliates…

I like the Internet. I like email. I send lots of important information through email. So do lots of employees for lots of companies. Sometime in the last ten years, alot of these companies realized that, wait asecond, we might be held liable for the content of ANY given email our employees send out! WE BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

Some of them are rather tame, just a little note that says, “hey, guy, you better not send this email to someone it shouldn’t go to! That would be quite naughty!”

I’d like to share with you the Eric-approved three stages of email signature disclaimers (ESD’s). Oh, and because its funnier, they will be named after the different types of Taco Bell’s taco sauce, in increasing spiciness: (note: the ESD’s are in italics solely to make them harder to read, because your not supposed to read them here anyway)

Stage One
“Mild”

This communication, including attachments, is for the exclusive use of addressee and may contain proprietary, confidential and/or privileged information. If you are not the intended recipient, any use, copying, disclosure, dissemination or distribution is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please notify the sender immediately by return e-mail, delete this communication and destroy all copies.

Nice. Basically says, if this email isn’t for you, please don’t do anything bad with it. We appreciate it. By the way, let our dumb employee know if they made the error of sending this to the wrong person, if you are in fact the wrong person. kthx.

Stage Two
“Hot”

This email and its attachments are confidential under applicable law are intended for use of the senders addressee only, unless the sender expressly agrees otherwise, or unless a separate written agreement exists between [company] and a recipient company governing communications between the parties and any data that may be so transmitted. Transmission of email over the Internet is not a secure communications medium. If you are requesting or have requested the transmittal of personal data, as defined in applicable privacy laws, by means of email or in an attachment to email, you may wish to select a more secure alternate means of transmittal that better supports your obligations to protect such personal data. If the recipient of this message is not the recipient named above, and/or you have received this email in error, you must take no action based on the information in this email. You are hereby notified that any dissemination, misuse or copying or disclosure of this communication by a recipient who has received this message in error is strictly prohibited. If this message is received in error please return this email to the sender and immediately highlight any error in transmittal.
Thank You

This company really has some faith in the power of people reading this and its content standing up in court. It basically says everything that a Stage One ESD says, but also takes a few more shots at the employee: “Transmission of email over the Internet is not a secure communications medium.” Well, thats good to know, unless sensitive data was already sent in the email that this is appended to!

Anyway, you get the idea. Violate that agreement right there, and all the sudden, the SWAT team will be breaking through the skylight in your office (EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE A SKYLIGHT), coming down ropes attached to stealth black helicopters, to lay down some email justice on your boo-tay.

Stage Three
“Fire”

[company] Financial Network is the marketing name for the sales and distribution arm of [company] Life Insurance Company and its subsidiaries and affiliates. Associate Agent, [company] Insurance Company ([company]), [city, state], life insurance, annuities and disability income insurance, [some insurance agent]. [company] Long Term Care Insurance Company (LTC), [city, state], long-term care insurance. NLTC is a subsidiary of [company]. Registered Representative, [company] Investment Services, LLC, (MIS) (A[address), variable life insurance and variable annuities. MIS is a wholly-owned company of [company] and is a member of the NASD and SIPC. [company] is not a broker-dealer. There may be instances when this agent represents insurance companies in addition to [company] or LTC.

Your transmission of electronic mail to this address represents your consent to two-way communication by Internet e-mail. If you received this in error, please contact the sender and delete the material from any computer on which it exists.

[company], its subsidiaries and affiliates may review and retain incoming and outgoing electronic mail for this e-mail address for quality assurance and regulatory compliance purposes. Communications that are received via the Secure Message Center are secure. Communications that are not received via the Secure Message Center website may not be secure or encrypted, and could be observed by a third party. If you prefer not to receive any e-mail communication from [company] or our Financial Representatives, please click the following link: E-Mail Opt-ut from [company] In the event that you cannot click on the above link, the [company] Opt-out form can be found at the following URL: [long url] [long address]

While not that much incredibly longer than the Hot URL, it was much longer before I anonymized it. Nevertheless, this ESD makes up for its length with exhaustiveness. Technically, this ESD could be its own email and it would be no problem at all. It covers all sorts of who-owns-who-and-who-cares, if-we-sent-this-to-you-in-error-oops!-our-bad-please-delete, if-this-is-spamming-you-here’s-how-to-fix-that, and we-save-this-email-for-customer-service-review!

Whew, just thinking about reading those again makes me tired. I think whenever I post a comment now, I’m gonna make me alittle disclaimer like these. Probably a Fire-type one. Should be leet.

Today’s funny link:
Small Ads From the UK – this ones kind of odd, and british. Here’s a preview:

Nemesis Wanted: I’m 5’10, into kayaking, books and conversation (by day), justice, honour, and vengeance (by night). Seeking arch-enemy, possible crimelord or deformed megalomaniac.

Nice.