Real People, Real Bowflex Results.

So it’s that time of year again. Which time is that, you ask? It’s time to start counting how many times I can hear Newsong’s smash Christmas hit, “Christmas Shoes.” Since Thanksgiving, I’ve heard it five times, without even really trying. Just for kicks (whoops, accidental pun), here’s a picture of some shoes:

You see, “Christmas Shoes” has a special place in my heart. I’ll post the lyrics here, but don’t worry, I know you won’t read them (how do I know this? because whenever anyone posts lyrics because they want to talk about how meaningful they are, I have never read them. ever. don’t worry, I’ll explain what these lyrics say afterwards)

Tryin’ to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing ’round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoesHis clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn’t believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Note that the song is longer than this, but this is plenty to get the point of the song. It’s sung in a very sentimental way. Basically, its told from the perspective of some dood that’s shopping. He’s not really feeling in the Christmas spirit, and he overhears this kid trying to buy these special shoes for his dying mother in case she happens to die tonight and go meet Jesus. The boy doesn’t have enough money, so the storyteller hooks up the needed cash flow, and finds what Christmas is all about.

From this point on, you’ll either: laugh, say “that’s horrible Eric, I like that song”, or just shake your head back and forth at me. Last year, my brother-in-law and I, who both work at the same fine institution, began to analyze the effect of this song. We decided that one of the reasons it’s so powerful/emotional is that the object that is the topic of the song is shoes. Shoes are a very important item to the female gender, compared to say, staplers. Or CDs. Or cubicle walls. (listen, I’m, trying to name random objects, but my brain can only think about the things sitting in front of me for some reason.)

So the quest had begun. What is the best item we could insert to replace “shoes” in the song above, that still had the song making at least a tiny amount of sense? The winners, by far, were Christmas Bowflex, and Christmas NordicTrack (note that this posts title is directly taken from Bowflex’s fabulous website). Bowflex is certainly my favorite.

Let’s review how the song would look with our modifications:

Sir, I want to buy this Bowflex for’my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and this Bowflex is just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know this Bowflex would make her smile
And I want her to look buff… if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Ahh, much better. My work here is done, methinks.

Funny link today is an oldie but goodie. It is a listing of the worst analogies ever written in high school essays. It’s worth your time (as long as your time isn’t all that valuable.)